The Trials and Tribulations of Shimmying: a Cautionary Tale

“Hit Me Baby, One More Time” was released in October of 1998.   The video played on MTV’s Total Request Live, embedding itself in Emily’s fragile teenage mind.

Britney shimmied like it was nobody’s business and Emily frantically thought “I’ve got boobs, I SHOULD DO THAT!” Her mission was clear: she NEEDED to learn to dance like that.

And she tried, she really did.  For years Emily tried to shimmy like Britney Spears. 

She desperately tried to move her shoulders back and forth. She tried with her arms out. She tried with her arms by her side.  She tried while sitting.  While standing.  While lying down.  At one point, she probably tried to shimmy under water.  

But no, her stubborn body just would not cooperate.

 

Any time she tried to move her shoulders like the pop star, Emily ended up moving her hips instead.  The result was that she gyrated like a poorly constructed robot, furrowing her brow in concentration.

After years of failure at high school dances, Emily gave up her dream of being able to shimmy like a pop star.  It wasn’t like she listened to pop music anymore anyway… it wasn’t like college afforded the opportunity to shimmy, since dancing at college parties consisted of having awkward, clothed sex while standing on a dance floor.

Emily graduated and went on to be a marine biologist.  And there really was NO excuse to try to shimmy on a fishing boat.  Her mid twenties came and somehow, some of her friends learned about her shimmy quandary.

“No! It can’t be that bad,” they announced. “Show us!”

She showed them… and their faces started with looks of pure pity and rounded out with surprised looks of sheer glee from the embarrassment of friend’s dancing hardships.

They’d bring it up at the oddest times: Waiting in line for a roller coaster at Six Flags.

“Emily, Come ON! Show us how you shimmy.”  She would hang her head and shame and attempt her eternally failed dance, that time in front of her current crush.  You’d think that would be the worst part, shaking her hips like Full House’s Michelle Tanner in front of the boy she was currently trying to trick into sleeping with her.

But no, the worst part was getting shimmy-served by a 7-year-old boy. Yes, he was waiting in line behind her friends and exclaimed, “OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?!” and proceeded to rock out with the best shimmy the group had ever seen.

NOTHING and I mean nothing, humbles a person more than getting shimmy-served by a 7-year-old.

Then, Emily’s grad school friend, Arezu decided to take up the challenge. She decided to show Emily the finer points of the shimmy, forcing her to face her dancing shortcomings.

Even Arezu’s boyfriend David tried to help. “Look down, while you do it!  That’ll help!” he said, shaking his shoulders like a pop culture pro. 

Fun Fact: next most embarrassing to getting shimmy-served by a 7-year-old is getting shimmy-served by a male Jewish computer programmer.

The group would go out drinking, and at her friends’ heartfelt insistence and Emily would try with renewed fervor to shimmy.  Sitting at a pub in Harvard Square she tried (and failed) to shake her shoulders.

But Magically… This morning while getting dressed… SOMETHING CLICKED.

The melodic sounds of Shiny Toy Guns in the background, Emily put her hands on her thighs and was, at long last, able to shimmy.  After a fifteen year battle, Emily finally beat her stubborn body into submission.